Jesus Christ from “I Know I Am, but What Are You?” by Samantha Bee

Jesus. Literally. Jesus.

But not Jesus from the Bible. If you need to know anything about THAT Jesus, here is all you really need to know: His first miracle was turning water to wine at a party.

Yeah, you know you wanna party with Jesus, you know, before he got all emo.

But I won’t be evaluating that particular Jesus. This is Jesus from the perception of horny pre-teen Samantha Bee. Let’s go.

About Jesus

• secretly in love with nine-year old Samantha Bee
• Eats Tang from the package
• middle name is “H”
• kind of like how Homer Simpson’s middle name is “J”
• looks like Kris Kristofferson from A Star is Born
• except Sam acknowledges that he might be “part black“

Wow, they both look pretty good. Damn, Black Jesus.

Sexxi Points

• Since this is all Samantha Bee’s delusional horny confused pre-adolescent mind
• there are lots of good points
• for example
• Jesus has a great ass
• looks great in cowboy boots and jeans
• and I bet he’s packin’ in those tight jeans
• that last part was me, not Samantha
• Well-groomed chest hair
• Likes having his feet rubbed with exotic oils
• I guess you have to humor Jesus’s desires a little bit, right?
• Willing to defend a bitch’s honor

Boner-Killers

• long-distance relationship
• like, really long distance
• like, he never shows up
• except in the form of a kind of creepy priest???

Sam, I’m glad you outgrew your weird crush on Jesus and started dating people who were physically real. Although the guy who called you “slut tits” was probably not a winner, either. Luckily, it looks like the dude you finally married is pretty chill.

Jesus, you might seem pretty cool from afar, but your absence is a huge turn-off. And don’t give me that spiritual “I’m everywhere” crap. I require an actual, physical body. RATING: BONER-KILLER.

Tucker Max from “Assholes Finish First” by, well, Tucker Max

He looks pretty good, right? It’s all downhill from here.

When you write about yourself, or somehow try to portray yourself, you’re mainly trying to portray how you want others to see you. Autobiographies are a form of vanity. Other examples include Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and basically everything I do.

Tucker Max wants people to know how he fucks lots of stupid women. So I’m going to analyze the sexiness of this character. The character that he wants to be. In the book.

About Tucker Max

• he went to college
• he’s a pickup artist, basically
• he gets famous for having sex with lots of women
• and since he’s famous for having sex with lots of women
• lots of women want to have sex with him
• this book basically makes women look bad.

His problem?

• attracts the bottom of the barrel
• like, failed strippers
• with tattoos of maggots on their vaginas
• and women who will suck dick
• WHILE the guy is taking a shit
• apparently that activity has a proper name
• but it shouldn’t, because WTF?

Nice guys like this one will read Tucker Max’s book and fall victim to the idea that nice guys finish last and then take up negging and that is a fate more tragic than, like, starvation.

Sexxi Points

• he actually seems to have a conscience
• like, he knows raping children is bad
• and he’s willing to take them to the bus stop and buy them froyo.
• and he doesn’t see virgins as appealing
• which is nice because he doesn’t have a double standard when it comes to sex
• and he does want to have a real relationship someday
• with like, an emotionally stable woman who won’t just sleep with him for the chance to do his laundry
• yes, he has women who are willing to come over to do his laundry
• and then have sex with him
• like he’s doing them this huge favor
• he has money
• maybe?
• he had midget sex
• and I’m short, so that’s a plus for me
• he does seem moderately intelligent
• but emotionally manipulative.

Boner-Killers

• obnoxious
• he’s already killed all chances of this miracle girl loving him
• because she just has to read this book
• or look at the cover
• and then she will run away
• he’s willing to publish his sexual history with you
• he probably has radiation dick from x-ray sex
• yes, x-ray sex.
• he engages in negging to pick up girls
• negging is, like, backhanded compliments to make women feel insecure
• and he like, openly plays games with women’s emotions
• even though he can spot that they’re needy
• and then he’s like “what, if they want to fuck me that’s their problem”

The Verdict?

I’m sure Karma will make sure that this guy will have all slutty daughters. This is a hilarious read, but if you let this guy’s dick anywhere near you, you will probably have all of the STDs. Like, all of them. Rating: hilarious, but a BONER-KILLER.

Also, if you use negging to pick up girls, you should probably have your dick removed. You don’t deserve something so beautiful.

Holmes from “Devil in the White City” by Erik Larson

 

Try not to uhm, die.

About Holmes (if that is your real name…Bart Simpson!)

• Pretends to be a pharmacist
• (and he has really blue eyes)
• so he can get people to trust him
• (did I mention his eyes were blue?)
• and then he kills them and sells their bodies to science
• (like, totally calm lake blue)
• likes to lure women into his hotel for the Chicago World’s Fair of 1893
• (seriously if the author mentions his blue eyes one more time I might chloroform myself)

His problem?

• he really likes killing people
• that’s pretty much his biggest problem
• he also has a lot of debt and has like fifty names
• but the killing thing is pretty big

Sexxi Points

• the blue eyes, except when I got sick of hearing about them
• confident, a little grabby on the first date, but in a sexy way
• knows a lot about the law, particularly stuff about life insurance
• motivated (but uhm pretty much just to kill people)
• he believes in long bike rides, romantic evenings out, and letter-writing

Boner-Killers

• he killed his boyhood friend
• he killed his cats
• people around him tend to fall off rooftops
• after taking out life insurance policies
• and naming him benefactor
• you only leave his hotel if you’re in a box
• and the basement is a little hot
• ugh, and he only likes blondes

The Verdict?

He killed his cats. The End. Rating: BONER-KILLER

This book also inspires me to learn more about George Ferris, the dude who made the Ferris Wheel. What, you know he’s gotta be romantic.