fictional characters I would marry

Augustus Waters from “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.

You’ve probably seen this everywhere. Here it is again.

I have been gone for a while due to grad school and, you know, my own book.

I’ll end my hiatus with this one because everyone on Tumblr is urinating themselves over it.

First of all, let me say that this was a good book, despite having a touch of Precious-pelting syndrome. PPS is when a story just throws one horrible thing after another at a character. PPS is named for the book Precious, for obvious reasons. There comes a point where so many bad things can happen to the people in your book that it stops being dramatic and starts being funny. TFIOS does not have full-blown PPS, but is in the beginning stages of it, like me with diabetes in third grade.

So here goes. Let’s rate Augustus Waters!

About Augustus

  • cancer survivor
  • but not really
  • pretentious name
  • prone to weird outbursts that he thinks are badass
  • but are really just kind of lame and funny

His problem?

  • all the people he cares for have cancer
  • he has cancer and doesn’t know it
  • cancer

 

If you don’t smoke them, it’s okay to buy cigarettes. Instead of like, maybe using that money for cancer treatment.

Sexxi Points

  • supports his best friend
  • who loses both eyes due to cancer
  • helps Hazel find the author of some book
  • because she’s really upset because it doesn’t end
  • he writes part of the end of the book for her
  • he’s sort of sweet when he’s not being Holden Caulfield
  • but he has lots of Holden moments
  • a Holden moment is a white privilege hipster moment
  • but I’ll get to that later.

Boner-Killers

  • he’s really into V for Vendetta
  • like, still.
  • that whole cigarette thing
  • I mean, you know you’re still giving cigarette companies money, right?
  • And they kill millions of people each year?
  • You don’t have to smoke cigarettes to support evil tobacco companies
  • you just have to hand over your money
  • which you do
  • you’re supporting cancer, Augustus
  • more like ‘the fault in our logic.’
  • I really almost stopped reading at that ‘it’s a metaphor’ part
  • for those of you who don’t know, Augustus Waters sucks on unlit cigarettes
  • as a metaphor.
  • yeah it’s dumb.
  • what else
  • well
  • he’s dies
  • so that would impact our relationship
  • and he’s 16.

The Verdict?

Well he dies at the end and he’s underage so, I would be really gross if I hit on this dude. Rating: N/A

Also, can I just say, the whole losing your virginity, having sex once, and then dying thing? Barf. Reeks of puritan bullshit. They should have had a LOT. MORE. SECKS. There should be an accompanying book that’s basically erotica describing all the kinky shit they had to try within the course of their tiny ‘infinity.’ First time sex is not great. It’s just like ow is that it I guess that was okay. You need to have lots and lots of sex with the same person for it to be any good….life spoiler alert.

Advertisements

Aslan from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” by CS Lewis

Wow, someone made a sexy Mr. Tumnus. I may have to do this next. Damn.

I don’t want to hear about how Aslan symbolizes Jesus, or how having sex with animals is wrong. We all know Aslan the Lion is supposed to be a badass rugged dude. And, since he’s sentient and self-aware and all that, I’m going to count him as human, not animal.

About Aslan

  • He’s a lion
  • he’s supposed to rule Narnia
  • but he’s not there for some reason
  • kinda like Simba in The Lion King.

His problem?

  • he’s a savior
  • so he’s doomed to die
  • but he wants to or something

This was actually the tamest sexy fanart I could find. I found this other one where the beast was having sex with Scar, but it was a little much.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s this rugged, self-sacrificing, giant lion
  • who is smart
  • so it’s totally fine to be in love with him
  • hey, you all saw Beauty and the Beast
  • you all know she had sex with a lion
  • so don’t pretend this is weird.
  • he gave up himself to the witch
  • to save Edmund
  • the little boy
  • who was kind of a little shit

Boner-Killers

  • absent
  • lets the witch take control for a while
  • and that prevents Christmas from happening
  • even though like,
  • if Aslan was just there the whole time
  • Christmas would continue on
  • don’t really understand why he was gone for so long
  • letting Narnia go to hell and all.
  • He also makes Peter a knight
  • and he’s a little kid
  • way to use child soldiers, Aslan
  • came back from the dead
  • I’m a little weird about screwing things that were once dead
  • it’s not entirely a deal breaker, though

The Verdict?

It would have been cool and self-sacrificing if Aslan really gave himself up to save Edmund. But really, Aslan knew there was a “deeper magic” or whatever, so he already knew that if the witch killed him in Edmund’s place, that he’d come back.

So it’s like, he didn’t really sacrifice himself, because he knew he would come back to life. So that whole sentimental thing was phony.

Rating: Boner-Killer. Not because he’s a lion, or Jesus, but because he’s a phony at the end of the day.

Hagrid from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

  • saves Harry from an abusive relationship
  • introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
  • he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

  • Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

  • I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
  • and then giving him lots of money
  • and helping him save the world and stuff
  • and how he can take care of dragons
  • he’s half-human, half-giant
  • and I’m a mixed kid
  • basically the same, right?
  • oh, and he’s always carrying people
  • so that’s nice, he could like
  • save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

  • bathing?
  • communicating?
  • inside voice maybe?
  • shaving?
  • he cries too much
  • I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
  • if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
  • I mean
  • there’s such a thing as “too big.”
  • there’s definitely a sort of
  • I mean
  • haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.

Frankenstein from “Frankenstein” by Mary Shelley.

Why was this the cover? If this is how the monster looked, everything would have been just fine. Give him pants and he’d be the Marlboro Man.

I’m talking about Victor Frankenstein, the doctor who made the monster, not the monster himself.

If you’re confused about what I mean by this, just go back to reblogging ironic lists on Tumblr kthanks.

About Victor

  • collects a bunch of dead body parts
  • makes a dude
  • abandons it because he thinks it’s gross

His problem?

  • the monster made of dead parts starts stalking him
  • kind of like that guy I went on one date with who asked me to marry him
  • actually, nothing like that.

Behold, cutie Victor Frankenweenie.

Sexxi Points

  • educated
  • motivated
  • likes to travel
  • but most of that is fleeing/collecting corpses

Boner-Killers

  • he’s been in jail
  • for murder
  • I mean, he didn’t COMMIT the murder
  • but that’s going to affect his chances at teaching in a university
  • he’s not a good listener
  • the monster he made just wants to get laid
  • and he’s really mean
  • oh, he kinda married his sister
  • they didn’t have sex because then she was murdered
  • but still, married his sister.
  • people around him are constantly being killed by the monster he created
  • and he’s really bad at protecting his loved ones
  • he just keeps having mental breakdowns
  • that part is really annoying.

The Verdict?

Now you know the difference between Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster. Oh yeah, Rating: NO. DO NOT BANG.

He’s been touching lots of dead bodies. You don’t want embalming fluid in your snatch. I mean, I don’t know exactly what that would do, but it can’t be good.

The Savage from “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley

For everyone here who got here because they’re in Honors English, BNW is basically “Wall-E” but for adults.

Huxley predicted the Wall-E-ification of humanity while dystopian writers like Orwell thought we’d all live in a military state. Huxley was like no way, that shit takes too much effort. Just feed them. A lot. Huxley saw how to control others by keeping them fat and happy (I say this in front of my computer while writing my pointless blog and watching King of the Hill reruns and eating bread saturated with butter and garlic).

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a student looking for answers to your homework or some bullshit like that. I’m going to tell you why you shouldn’t have sex with this fictional character. In the long run, I’m providing much more useful literary analysis.

About The Savage

  • he’s really dramatic
  • like, who falls to his knees in a crowded room
  • and yells
  • “MY FATHER!!!”
  • he’s the bastard son of a drug addict
  • and was living on an Indian reservation-type place
  • where he read lots of Shakespeare?

His problem?

  • he’s taken from the reservation
  • and introduced to normal fucked up society
  • where everyone takes drugs and fornicates and no one has babies
  • so like, NYU on an average Thursday
  • Brave New World is NYU on an average Thursday
  • or Monday
  • Brave New World is NYU any day of the week
  • and he really hates it
  • because it’s debauched.
  • Kinda like NYU.

How about the right to take me to dinner on a Friday? What about that? Why did you jump straight to syphilis?

Sexxi Points

  • he knows lots of pretty poems
  • seems really romantic
  • likes thick women
  • I like men who like thick women
  • In case that wasn’t clear.
  • He seems caring and stuff.

Boner-Killers

  • slut-shames this chick for coming on to him
  • like, calls her a harlot or a strumpet
  • or something equally stupid
  • and she just wanted the D
  • I mean, do they not have any horny chicks on the reservation?
  • he whips himself
  • he participates in an orgy and then kills himself
  • he’s just a drama Queen all around.

The Verdict?

There’s a balance between porno kisses and killing yourself for having sex once. I mean, none of these literary characters seem capable of going to a movie and then going for a walk. Tone it tone, Savage boy. I’m sure you’re pretty hot but you’re killing it. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Frankenstein’s MONSTER from “Frankenstein’s Bitch” by K.J. Burkhardt.

Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’

Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.

Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch’ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.

About Frankenstein’s Monster

  • 7-inch flaccid penis
  • unknown full size
  • seems confused during sex?
  • composed of dead body parts

His problem?

  • Needs to get laid?

It’s supposed to be Frankenstein’s MONS—Oh, forget it.

Sexxi Points

  • He just kind of is asleep
  • and then has sex with you
  • he doesn’t talk
  • that’s the best part
  • he’s like a real-life vibrator

Boner-Killers

  • he’s dead
  • doesn’t take you to dinner
  • the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
  • I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
  • If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
  • showing his emotional pain?
  • This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.

The Verdict?

Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

If you wanna read about real life sex and marriage, visit my girl here.

Deuce Garland from “Unmentionables” by Laurie Loewenstein.

Don’t worry. It’s not really about underwear.

“Unmentionables” is a book about a forward-thinking feminist named Marian trapped in a more conservative town. Like, back in the day. Like, back during WWI or something.

Anyway, this guy named Deuce helps her out and defends her. Let’s see how he measures up to 2014 standards.

About Deuce

  • runs a newspaper for his father-in-law
  • is kinda pussy-whipped by him
  • his wife is dead
  • his daughter wants to move to Chicago
  • he wants to do other stuff, too
  • but again, pussy-whipped by the father-in-law

His problem?

  • he has to take care of this heathen woman from up East, then he falls in love with her.

Women like Marian aren’t just make-believe. Go Wendy go!

Sexxi Points

  • forward-thinking
  • like, he thinks women should be able to do things
  • like have jobs
  • and travel
  • he’s part black
  • which I like because I’m mixed
  • but in that time period, it makes him like
  • a pariah
  • but 2014 is all about mixed-race babies
  • so chic!
  • anyway
  • he also is against children dying from contaminated milk
  • hey, in 1917, you gotta take a stand against stuff like that
  • stands up for a black kid who was killed by racist assholes
  • and testifies against the racist assholes
  • is willing to have premarital sex
  • that counts twice considering the time period.

Boner-Killers

  • kind of a pushover
  • like, first he does what the father-in-law says
  • then he just does what Marian says
  • then he just does what his daughter says
  • HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS SOMETIMES
  • FOR A GUY WHO RUNS A NEWSPAPER YOU REALLY HAVE NO SPINE

The Verdict?

His work defending women and minorities in a backwards-ass town wins him lots and lots of points.

BTW, even in 2014, women need defending. GO WENDY GO!

Anyway, I think you know my verdict already. A mixed-race gentleman who owns a newspaper? WIN. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.