literary boners

Chase from “Crank” by Ellen Hopkins

Meth is like one of those, “I give up on life totally” drugs.

This book is filled with sleazebags, rapists, absent fathers and drug addicts who drive their girlfriends to suicide. It was hard enough to find anyone of value. So here’s Chase, the only real good guy from “Crank.” Let’s see how good he really is.

About Chase

  • takes drugs
  • pimply
  • high school student
  • has somewhat of a future

His problem?

  • He is in love with a girl
  • who is pregnant with another man’s baby
  • and she’s addicted to meth
  • he might be addicted, but probably not
  • jury is out on this one.

From Faces of Meth. These photos were taken 2.5 years apart. TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

Sexxi Points

  • doesn’t want to have sex with a girl who was just raped
  • like, cares about her state of mind
  • sort of
  • is willing to stay with her even though she’s having another man’s baby

Boner-Killers

  • he doesn’t really make Kristina go to the doctor
  • or the cops
  • after the rape
  • I mean he just kind of is like
  • maybe we should wait a week before having sex
  • he also takes meth with her
  • and introduces her to a bunch of other drugs
  • like E.

The Verdict?

He seems like he could potentially be a decent guy, and he probably is, for his age. But he’s a little too passive and a little too destructive, and I’m not seeing a whole lot of stunning qualities. He is willing to stay with his girlfriend through her pregnancy, but the book ends before we can see if he really sticks it out. Rating: Meth is bad. Do not date boys who take meth.

Hagrid from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

  • saves Harry from an abusive relationship
  • introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
  • he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

  • Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

  • I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
  • and then giving him lots of money
  • and helping him save the world and stuff
  • and how he can take care of dragons
  • he’s half-human, half-giant
  • and I’m a mixed kid
  • basically the same, right?
  • oh, and he’s always carrying people
  • so that’s nice, he could like
  • save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

  • bathing?
  • communicating?
  • inside voice maybe?
  • shaving?
  • he cries too much
  • I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
  • if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
  • I mean
  • there’s such a thing as “too big.”
  • there’s definitely a sort of
  • I mean
  • haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.

What Makes a Good Secksy Character?

So you have read my reviews. Or you’re about to. A few things might cross your mind about me:

  • feminist
  • bitch
  • feminist bitch
  • critical
  • reads a lot
  • reads too much
  • appears to be more concerned with reading than making sandwiches for men

All of these things would be true.

But I am critical of myself and my process, so I wanted to examine what goes through my mind as I rate dudes:

  • I’m sort of lenient on male characters who cheat
  • as long as they make up for it in other ways
  • however, IRL, my cheating standards are much higher
  • which is interesting. I have a double standard here.
  • Probably because reading books is sort of like engaging in a fantasy.
  • I do not usually forgive incest
  • But I will forgive something like murder
  • if it was justified
  • because I sort of like carnal impulses in my literary dudes.

So what makes a good sexy character?

  • His own code of morality
  • understanding and empathy
  • devotion
  • motivation counts a lot
  • doesn’t have to be intelligent
  • I mean, you can be dumb and still hot
  • funny preferred, not necessary.
  • I must be able to imagine you pulling me out of a burning building.
  • Or, better yet, there can be a scene of you pulling me out of a burning building
  • a hurt soul is preferred
  • but not a whining one
  • give me someone in secret pain
  • I like a fixer-upper.

Do you have someone you want me to rate?  Let me know. I’ll consider it. Well, reasonably speaking. I don’t want to do another Frankenstein’s Bitch.

Frankenstein from “Frankenstein” by Mary Shelley.

Why was this the cover? If this is how the monster looked, everything would have been just fine. Give him pants and he’d be the Marlboro Man.

I’m talking about Victor Frankenstein, the doctor who made the monster, not the monster himself.

If you’re confused about what I mean by this, just go back to reblogging ironic lists on Tumblr kthanks.

About Victor

  • collects a bunch of dead body parts
  • makes a dude
  • abandons it because he thinks it’s gross

His problem?

  • the monster made of dead parts starts stalking him
  • kind of like that guy I went on one date with who asked me to marry him
  • actually, nothing like that.

Behold, cutie Victor Frankenweenie.

Sexxi Points

  • educated
  • motivated
  • likes to travel
  • but most of that is fleeing/collecting corpses

Boner-Killers

  • he’s been in jail
  • for murder
  • I mean, he didn’t COMMIT the murder
  • but that’s going to affect his chances at teaching in a university
  • he’s not a good listener
  • the monster he made just wants to get laid
  • and he’s really mean
  • oh, he kinda married his sister
  • they didn’t have sex because then she was murdered
  • but still, married his sister.
  • people around him are constantly being killed by the monster he created
  • and he’s really bad at protecting his loved ones
  • he just keeps having mental breakdowns
  • that part is really annoying.

The Verdict?

Now you know the difference between Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster. Oh yeah, Rating: NO. DO NOT BANG.

He’s been touching lots of dead bodies. You don’t want embalming fluid in your snatch. I mean, I don’t know exactly what that would do, but it can’t be good.

Tobias from “Animorphs” by KA Applegate.

Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.

Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, who I love.

Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.

About Tobias

  • he’s sort of homeless
  • and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
  • who don’t care about him
  • he thinks his mom is crazy
  • but she’s not
  • she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
  • and then married/had sex with one
  • and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
  • so she’s a little sore about that.
  • but anyway back to Tobias
  • he’s half-Andalite.
  • Andalites are sexy centaurs
  • who eat through their feet

His problem?

  • He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
  • He has to save the world from invading aliens

Tobias is half THIS. Yes, that’s right. Too bad he’s trapped in the body of a hawk.

Sexxi Points

  • half centaur sexy alien
  • natural warrior or something
  • saving the world
  • has mind-speaking powers
  • and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
  • and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
  • but only for two hours

Boner-Killers

  • the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
  • I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
  • morph into a bird
  • then back into a human
  • and go again
  • he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
  • and self-worth/identity issues
  • and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
  • I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
  • like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
  • anyway
  • he eats roadkill
  • and mice
  • and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
  • and he has a life expectancy of not very long
  • since he’s a damn bird.

The Verdict?

I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?

Looking for new scifi? Check out my series Failure to Pay.

Frankenstein’s MONSTER from “Frankenstein’s Bitch” by K.J. Burkhardt.

Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’

Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.

Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch’ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.

About Frankenstein’s Monster

  • 7-inch flaccid penis
  • unknown full size
  • seems confused during sex?
  • composed of dead body parts

His problem?

  • Needs to get laid?

It’s supposed to be Frankenstein’s MONS—Oh, forget it.

Sexxi Points

  • He just kind of is asleep
  • and then has sex with you
  • he doesn’t talk
  • that’s the best part
  • he’s like a real-life vibrator

Boner-Killers

  • he’s dead
  • doesn’t take you to dinner
  • the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
  • I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
  • If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
  • showing his emotional pain?
  • This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.

The Verdict?

Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

If you wanna read about real life sex and marriage, visit my girl here.

Baptiste from “Failure to Pay” by Lisa Martens

This is me. I write stuff.

This is me. I write stuff.

So, I’m all about shameless self-promotion. I’ll be reviewing a character in . . . that’s right . . . my own story.

About Baptiste

  • rich dude
  • married
  • owns a ranch
  • likes wearing blue and yellow
  • sort of immortal
  • not really
  • in debt but hiding it.

His problem?

  • He’s about to lose the chip that makes him immortal
  • because he can’t pay for it
  • and he’s already in debt.
  • but hey, who doesn’t have debt for stupid reasons?
  • cough student loans cough.

Sexxi Points

  • Kind of classy
  • he matches his outfit with his wife’s hair
  • and possibly with the time of day he’s going to lose his immortality
  • refused to sell his land to pay for his immortality
  • because he wants to make sure his family has land
  • because in this dystopian world, if you’re poor, you live in shitty balloons
  • in the sky
  • and he doesn’t want that.

Boner-Killers

  • cares too much about what people think
  • and saving face
  • and throwing big parties
  • that’s really annoying to me
  • it kind of counts as five things.
  • Makes a slightly sexist comment
  • to the bounty hunter who comes to get his immortality chip.
  • rude, sir.

The Verdict?

Jury is still out on this one. I can relate to having lots of debt that LOL I just have no way of paying off. I can also relate to being rude to people who harass me to collect money from me (like an unnamed Internet provider who couldn’t provide me Internet but billed me for three months for a service I never used). I might give you a chance later on. Rating: POTENTIAL PANTY-SNATCHER.

Don’t forget to read the series. Reblog if you like. Follow on Twitter @failuretopay.