Female Boner

These characters do it for me.

Augustus Waters from “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.

You’ve probably seen this everywhere. Here it is again.

I have been gone for a while due to grad school and, you know, my own book.

I’ll end my hiatus with this one because everyone on Tumblr is urinating themselves over it.

First of all, let me say that this was a good book, despite having a touch of Precious-pelting syndrome. PPS is when a story just throws one horrible thing after another at a character. PPS is named for the book Precious, for obvious reasons. There comes a point where so many bad things can happen to the people in your book that it stops being dramatic and starts being funny. TFIOS does not have full-blown PPS, but is in the beginning stages of it, like me with diabetes in third grade.

So here goes. Let’s rate Augustus Waters!

About Augustus

  • cancer survivor
  • but not really
  • pretentious name
  • prone to weird outbursts that he thinks are badass
  • but are really just kind of lame and funny

His problem?

  • all the people he cares for have cancer
  • he has cancer and doesn’t know it
  • cancer

 

If you don’t smoke them, it’s okay to buy cigarettes. Instead of like, maybe using that money for cancer treatment.

Sexxi Points

  • supports his best friend
  • who loses both eyes due to cancer
  • helps Hazel find the author of some book
  • because she’s really upset because it doesn’t end
  • he writes part of the end of the book for her
  • he’s sort of sweet when he’s not being Holden Caulfield
  • but he has lots of Holden moments
  • a Holden moment is a white privilege hipster moment
  • but I’ll get to that later.

Boner-Killers

  • he’s really into V for Vendetta
  • like, still.
  • that whole cigarette thing
  • I mean, you know you’re still giving cigarette companies money, right?
  • And they kill millions of people each year?
  • You don’t have to smoke cigarettes to support evil tobacco companies
  • you just have to hand over your money
  • which you do
  • you’re supporting cancer, Augustus
  • more like ‘the fault in our logic.’
  • I really almost stopped reading at that ‘it’s a metaphor’ part
  • for those of you who don’t know, Augustus Waters sucks on unlit cigarettes
  • as a metaphor.
  • yeah it’s dumb.
  • what else
  • well
  • he’s dies
  • so that would impact our relationship
  • and he’s 16.

The Verdict?

Well he dies at the end and he’s underage so, I would be really gross if I hit on this dude. Rating: N/A

Also, can I just say, the whole losing your virginity, having sex once, and then dying thing? Barf. Reeks of puritan bullshit. They should have had a LOT. MORE. SECKS. There should be an accompanying book that’s basically erotica describing all the kinky shit they had to try within the course of their tiny ‘infinity.’ First time sex is not great. It’s just like ow is that it I guess that was okay. You need to have lots and lots of sex with the same person for it to be any good….life spoiler alert.

Hagrid from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

  • saves Harry from an abusive relationship
  • introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
  • he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

  • Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

  • I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
  • and then giving him lots of money
  • and helping him save the world and stuff
  • and how he can take care of dragons
  • he’s half-human, half-giant
  • and I’m a mixed kid
  • basically the same, right?
  • oh, and he’s always carrying people
  • so that’s nice, he could like
  • save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

  • bathing?
  • communicating?
  • inside voice maybe?
  • shaving?
  • he cries too much
  • I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
  • if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
  • I mean
  • there’s such a thing as “too big.”
  • there’s definitely a sort of
  • I mean
  • haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.

What Makes a Good Secksy Character?

So you have read my reviews. Or you’re about to. A few things might cross your mind about me:

  • feminist
  • bitch
  • feminist bitch
  • critical
  • reads a lot
  • reads too much
  • appears to be more concerned with reading than making sandwiches for men

All of these things would be true.

But I am critical of myself and my process, so I wanted to examine what goes through my mind as I rate dudes:

  • I’m sort of lenient on male characters who cheat
  • as long as they make up for it in other ways
  • however, IRL, my cheating standards are much higher
  • which is interesting. I have a double standard here.
  • Probably because reading books is sort of like engaging in a fantasy.
  • I do not usually forgive incest
  • But I will forgive something like murder
  • if it was justified
  • because I sort of like carnal impulses in my literary dudes.

So what makes a good sexy character?

  • His own code of morality
  • understanding and empathy
  • devotion
  • motivation counts a lot
  • doesn’t have to be intelligent
  • I mean, you can be dumb and still hot
  • funny preferred, not necessary.
  • I must be able to imagine you pulling me out of a burning building.
  • Or, better yet, there can be a scene of you pulling me out of a burning building
  • a hurt soul is preferred
  • but not a whining one
  • give me someone in secret pain
  • I like a fixer-upper.

Do you have someone you want me to rate?  Let me know. I’ll consider it. Well, reasonably speaking. I don’t want to do another Frankenstein’s Bitch.

Tobias from “Animorphs” by KA Applegate.

Wow, this is pretty much exactly as I imagined him.

Who remembers the Animorphs series? Teenagers turn into animals, fight brain-sucking aliens, save the world, lose their souls in the process. In addition to featuring lots of animal sounds, unlikely escapes, and the assistance of a godlike-entity named the Ellimist, the Animorphs also features a tortured soul, who I love.

Special thanks to the Moonlight Library for the inspiration for this post.

About Tobias

  • he’s sort of homeless
  • and bounces around between his aunt and uncle
  • who don’t care about him
  • he thinks his mom is crazy
  • but she’s not
  • she was just like, kidnapped by aliens
  • and then married/had sex with one
  • and then the Ellimist took her hot alien man away
  • so she’s a little sore about that.
  • but anyway back to Tobias
  • he’s half-Andalite.
  • Andalites are sexy centaurs
  • who eat through their feet

His problem?

  • He’s trapped in a hawk’s body
  • He has to save the world from invading aliens

Tobias is half THIS. Yes, that’s right. Too bad he’s trapped in the body of a hawk.

Sexxi Points

  • half centaur sexy alien
  • natural warrior or something
  • saving the world
  • has mind-speaking powers
  • and the Ellimist gives him back his morphing powers
  • and the ability to temporarily change from hawk to his human form
  • but only for two hours

Boner-Killers

  • the two hour rule means he can only bone for two hours
  • I mean, I guess he can go into the bathroom
  • morph into a bird
  • then back into a human
  • and go again
  • he’s got a lot of deeply-rooted childhood neglect issues
  • and self-worth/identity issues
  • and I do too, so that wouldn’t work
  • I need someone with the opposite problem so we can balance out
  • like an overinflated ego! Yes. Perfect.
  • anyway
  • he eats roadkill
  • and mice
  • and stuff hawks eat because he’s a hawk
  • and he has a life expectancy of not very long
  • since he’s a damn bird.

The Verdict?

I guess two hours isn’t that bad, but he’s going to have to morph/remorph for proper cuddles. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Did you crush on anyone from the series? Is there an alien you’d bang? What about the Hork-Bajir?

Looking for new scifi? Check out my series Failure to Pay.

Baptiste from “Failure to Pay” by Lisa Martens

This is me. I write stuff.

This is me. I write stuff.

So, I’m all about shameless self-promotion. I’ll be reviewing a character in . . . that’s right . . . my own story.

About Baptiste

  • rich dude
  • married
  • owns a ranch
  • likes wearing blue and yellow
  • sort of immortal
  • not really
  • in debt but hiding it.

His problem?

  • He’s about to lose the chip that makes him immortal
  • because he can’t pay for it
  • and he’s already in debt.
  • but hey, who doesn’t have debt for stupid reasons?
  • cough student loans cough.

Sexxi Points

  • Kind of classy
  • he matches his outfit with his wife’s hair
  • and possibly with the time of day he’s going to lose his immortality
  • refused to sell his land to pay for his immortality
  • because he wants to make sure his family has land
  • because in this dystopian world, if you’re poor, you live in shitty balloons
  • in the sky
  • and he doesn’t want that.

Boner-Killers

  • cares too much about what people think
  • and saving face
  • and throwing big parties
  • that’s really annoying to me
  • it kind of counts as five things.
  • Makes a slightly sexist comment
  • to the bounty hunter who comes to get his immortality chip.
  • rude, sir.

The Verdict?

Jury is still out on this one. I can relate to having lots of debt that LOL I just have no way of paying off. I can also relate to being rude to people who harass me to collect money from me (like an unnamed Internet provider who couldn’t provide me Internet but billed me for three months for a service I never used). I might give you a chance later on. Rating: POTENTIAL PANTY-SNATCHER.

Don’t forget to read the series. Reblog if you like. Follow on Twitter @failuretopay.

Deuce Garland from “Unmentionables” by Laurie Loewenstein.

Don’t worry. It’s not really about underwear.

“Unmentionables” is a book about a forward-thinking feminist named Marian trapped in a more conservative town. Like, back in the day. Like, back during WWI or something.

Anyway, this guy named Deuce helps her out and defends her. Let’s see how he measures up to 2014 standards.

About Deuce

  • runs a newspaper for his father-in-law
  • is kinda pussy-whipped by him
  • his wife is dead
  • his daughter wants to move to Chicago
  • he wants to do other stuff, too
  • but again, pussy-whipped by the father-in-law

His problem?

  • he has to take care of this heathen woman from up East, then he falls in love with her.

Women like Marian aren’t just make-believe. Go Wendy go!

Sexxi Points

  • forward-thinking
  • like, he thinks women should be able to do things
  • like have jobs
  • and travel
  • he’s part black
  • which I like because I’m mixed
  • but in that time period, it makes him like
  • a pariah
  • but 2014 is all about mixed-race babies
  • so chic!
  • anyway
  • he also is against children dying from contaminated milk
  • hey, in 1917, you gotta take a stand against stuff like that
  • stands up for a black kid who was killed by racist assholes
  • and testifies against the racist assholes
  • is willing to have premarital sex
  • that counts twice considering the time period.

Boner-Killers

  • kind of a pushover
  • like, first he does what the father-in-law says
  • then he just does what Marian says
  • then he just does what his daughter says
  • HAVE YOUR OWN OPINIONS SOMETIMES
  • FOR A GUY WHO RUNS A NEWSPAPER YOU REALLY HAVE NO SPINE

The Verdict?

His work defending women and minorities in a backwards-ass town wins him lots and lots of points.

BTW, even in 2014, women need defending. GO WENDY GO!

Anyway, I think you know my verdict already. A mixed-race gentleman who owns a newspaper? WIN. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Michael from “The Black Chapel” by Marilyn Cruise

She’s a stripper faced with an impossible decision. Actually no, it’s not an impossible decision at all. TAKE THE MONEYS.

This is about a girl named Scarlett who thinks too much. No really, she has two personalities, and a billionaire falls in love with both of them. But she wants him to marry the “real” her and not the “stripper” her. Like that matters when billions of dollars are floating around?

About Michael

  • Youngish, hopefully, since the stripper in the story is about 25.
  • And I don’t want him to be an old creeper.
  • A billionaire who can’t touch his money
  • unless he gets married
  • before his mom dies
  • but the mom doesn’t want to just marry someone for the money
  • she’s kinda setting him up for failure in that regard
  • and he’s hot
  • but he frequents strip clubs.
  • and churches
  • both places I don’t like.

His problem?

  • Needs to put a ring on it
  • to inherit his money
  • that’s the only problem he thinks he has, but
  • the two women he likes are the same woman
  • that’s really her fault more than his, though.

Do you think this is how their dance performances went? I mean, the author didn’t specify, but that’s how I imagined it.

Sexxi Points

  • He has a lot of money
  • he’s attractive
  • with a cleft chin
  • okay I made that part up
  • he wants to get married
  • sort of?

Boner-Killers

  • he will cheat on you with the stripper version of you
  • and then get mad at you
  • he goes to strip clubs
  • and pays for private masked sessions in something called “The Sanctuary.”
  • so yeah, that’s sketchy as hell.

The Verdict?

I don’t understand why this Scarlett girl was so conflicted. She should have listened to her best friend, who was like uhhh take the money and run, duh. Rating: bien sexxi.

But Scarlett, break up with him before he cheats on you with yourself again. Or maybe just stop trying to get him to cheat on you with your own alter-egos. That’s a little weird.