Month: February 2013

Who should I rate next?

Run across a particularly frisky Muchacho? Or has a popular character let you down?

Or maybe there’s a book you don’t want to read and you’d rather I do it for you. 

Whatever the case, sexxi suggestions welcome.

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Piscine “Pi” from “Life of Pi” by Yann Martel

Meditating with a tiger NBD SMH LOL.

I’m sure you all know the basics of this story, even if you’ve just seen the cover of the book. Big blue ocean. One boat. A boy and a tiger. It’s not a complicated plot, but, like anything in this world, there’s still just enough room for a pervert like me to have an opinion.

About Pi Patel

  • sixteen years old
  • son of a zookeeper
  • well-off, but manages not to be a dick about it
  • spiritual, deep, but not spoiled, like an artist with a trust fund he can’t touch until he’s 35

His problem?

  • Stranded at sea on a shitty lifeboat
  • without too much know-how
  • or supplies
  • and his family is dead
  • OH AND DID I MENTION THERE’S A TIGER WITH HIM.

This, just because it’s hilarious.

Sexxi Points

  • HE PUTS THE TIGER’S NEEDS FIRST.
  • Like food and water and stuff. He doesn’t have sexual relations with the tiger.
  • But I’m sure that tendency translates into other areas.
  • Realizes that he needs the tiger too
  • and they develop this beautiful relationship where the tiger’s senses alert Pi to danger
  • like on that island that eats you in your sleep
  • and turns your teeth into flowers
  • and they eventually trust each other to live in the same boat
  • it’s just such a beautiful relationship
  • Circus trainers who beat tigers into doing tricks just don’t get it
  • THEY JUST DON’T WANT TO PUT IN THE EFFORT
  • oh yeah and he’s pretty deep and spiritual and wise and stuff like that
  • and he has survival skills
  • and clearly relationship skills
  • more impressively, he retains his relationship skills in a survival situation

Boner-Killers

  • he has like three religions
  • and I have none
  • so raising our kids would be really difficult
  • and it would have to be that serious, because this guy definitely doesn’t hook up.
  • he possibly hallucinated the whole tiger thing
  • so yeah he uhm might be prone to some PTSD or shell shock or severe emotional fuckeduppery.

The Verdict?

At the end, he did have a wife and children, so I’ll take that as proof that he doesn’t hallucinate and murder people in his sleep. With machetes.

Obama wrote a letter to Martel saying that this book was proof of God. I’m inclined to agree, but for totally different reasons. PUT DOWN YOUR COPIES OF ‘THE GAME’ IMMEDIATELY. Rating: bien sexxi.

Also, I think I should tell all of you that I’m married to Pi now. Not literally, but spiritually. Like how nuns marry Jesus. Just letting you know.

Tucker Max from “Assholes Finish First” by, well, Tucker Max

He looks pretty good, right? It’s all downhill from here.

When you write about yourself, or somehow try to portray yourself, you’re mainly trying to portray how you want others to see you. Autobiographies are a form of vanity. Other examples include Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and self-promoting fiction blogs.

Tucker Max wants people to know how he fucks lots of stupid women. So I’m going to analyze the sexiness of this character. The character that he wants to be. In the book.

About Tucker Max

  • he went to college
  • he’s a pickup artist, basically
  • he gets famous for having sex with lots of women
  • and since he’s famous for having sex with lots of women
  • lots of women want to have sex with him
  • this book basically makes women look bad.

His problem?

  • attracts the bottom of the barrel
  • like, failed strippers
  • with tattoos of maggots on their vaginas
  • and women who will suck dick
  • WHILE the guy is taking a shit
  • apparently that activity has a proper name
  • but it shouldn’t, because WTF?

Nice guys like this one will read Tucker Max’s book and fall victim to the idea that nice guys finish last and then take up negging and that is a fate more tragic than, like, starvation.

Sexxi Points

  • he actually seems to have a conscience
  • like, he knows raping children is bad
  • and he’s willing to take them to the bus stop and buy them froyo.
  • and he doesn’t see virgins as appealing
  • which is nice because he doesn’t have a double standard when it comes to sex
  • and he does want to have a real relationship someday
  • with like, an emotionally stable woman who won’t just sleep with him for the chance to do his laundry
  • yes, he has women who are willing to come over to do his laundry
  • and then have sex with him
  • like he’s doing them this huge favor
  • he has money
  • maybe?
  • he had midget sex
  • and I’m short, so that’s a plus for me
  • he does seem moderately intelligent
  • but emotionally manipulative.

Boner-Killers

  • obnoxious
  • he’s already killed all chances of this miracle girl loving him
  • because she just has to read this book
  • or look at the cover
  • and then she will run away
  • he’s willing to publish his sexual history with you
  • he probably has radiation dick from x-ray sex
  • yes, x-ray sex.
  • he engages in negging to pick up girls
  • negging is, like, backhanded compliments to make women feel insecure
  • and he like, openly plays games with women’s emotions
  • even though he can spot that they’re needy
  • and then he’s like “what, if they want to fuck me that’s their problem”

The Verdict?

I’m sure Karma will make sure that this guy will have all slutty daughters. This is a hilarious read, but if you let this guy’s dick anywhere near you, you will probably have all of the STDs. Like, all of them. Rating: hilarious, but a BONER-KILLER.

Also, if you use negging to pick up girls, you should probably have your dick removed. You don’t deserve something so beautiful.

Holden Caulfield from “The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger

I was into saying ‘I was into that before it was cool’ before it was cool.

If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.

About Holden Caulfield

  • keeps getting kicked out of school
  • rich-ass parents
  • white
  • like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
  • like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
  • and opened an antique bicycle repair store.

His problem?

  • kicked out of school
  • general vagabond-ry
  • hates all institutions
  • obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
  • can’t hold a train of thought
  • he’s probably in a mental hospital?
  • a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.

I roll my own cigs and this jacket is vintage and so is my underwear and I only paid three bucks and when my dad dies I’m going to take the money I get from my trust fund and go to Alaska and write a travel blog about it.

Sexxi Points

  • when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
  • but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
  • which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
  • so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
  • but I digress.

Boner-Killers

  • no future
  • whining whining whining
  • misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
  • like really, how do you do that?
  • Can’t fuck a prostitute
  • Can’t fight a pimp
  • Can’t fight.
  • lies.
  • this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
  • He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.

The Verdict?

I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).

Erotic Poetry: A Valentine’s Day Boner

50 Shades of YAWN.

I was going to write about Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey for Valentine’s Day. I really tried, but it was terrible. It was too awful to read, to buy, to download illegally. If you’re offended by this statement, good. Please leave my blog. and buy a vibrator.

I didn’t believe at all that this perfect rich man would spend any time with this whining college chick who is supposed to be American but uses British slang. It sounded like something one of my single girlfriends would write.

It would be a whole lot more believable if this successful, hot entrepreneur spent 20 hours a day working and then did some cocaine and visited a dungeon party.

THEN WE WOULD HAVE A STORY, PEOPLE.

So instead I’m going to rate the sexxiness of an erotic poem by ee cummings. It’s called “may i feel said he.”

Note: I’m rating the sexxiness of the dude in the poem, not necessarily ee cummings.

About the Muchacho

  • Well, he’s a guy
  • who is married
  • and is trying to get laid
  • and apparently succeeds
  • but possibly ejaculates prematurely?

His problem?

  • he’s trying to get laid
  • she’s trying to fall in love

Apparently, ee cummings liked curves and long legs.

Sexxi Points

  • seems like he’s being polite and asking
  • but he’s really being a lot more assertive
  • without being intimidating
  • which is a hard balance to reach.
  • did I mention he’s married?
  • Is that a plus?
  • Maybe for a fantasy.
  • The sex is a bit painful
  • in a good way

Boner-Killers

  • well, he’s married.
  • Possible premature ejaculation?
  • You have to ask him to kiss you
  • which doesn’t really imply tenderness
  • (Hmm, but that could be sexxi?)
  • Isn’t poetry complicated?
  • He seemed to fall off his game by the end.
  • The start was slow, too
  • there was only one point where the sex seemed enjoyable for her, actually

The Verdict?

Since the muchacha basically wins in the end and has him wrapped around her finger, I thoroughly approve of this fantasy. Oh, and he’s married, which is also good for a fantasy. But only a fantasy. This is, after all, a horny blog on people who aren’t real/are dead. Rating: BIEN SEXXI

Please be good to your brains this Valentine’s Day. Or don’t, and read some erotic literature.

Niki Jumpei from “The Woman in the Dunes” by Kobo Abe

Men are so easily distracted.

About Niki

  • likes to collect bugs
  • which might indicate an Oedipal complex
  • painfully logical
  • knows a lot about beetles
  • and sand
  • innocent and trusting
  • which is why it was so easy to trap him into shoveling sand forever

His problem?

  • these dudes convinced him to come to their town
  • to take a break from collecting bugs
  • but then they trapped him in a giant sand castle town
  • and gave him to this lonely woman
  • who is really good at keeping house
  • and then he develops Stockholm syndrome
  • and fucks her.
  • and he has to shovel sand to keep from drowning in the sand castle town
  • and continue fucking the woman who trapped him there

Please focus on trying to escape, sir.

Sexxi Points

  • happy with the simple life
  • loyal to whoever he’s with
  • very strategic, but only when it comes to sand and bugs
  • otherwise he wouldn’t have been so easily tricked
  • only has eyes for his woman
  • but that might be because she’s uhm, the only woman
  • refuses to hit her even when it’s obvious she tricked him
  • hard-working

Boner-Killers

  • loses focus once he’s fat and happy
  • hard-working, yes, but not very ambitious
  • I mean, he goes from collecting bugs to shoveling sand
  • so I doubt he’d ever be able to fully support me as I write books and horny blogs
  • for the rest of my life
  • seems kind of passive about switching wives
  • and getting his new wife imposed on him
  • he will kind of sleep with any girl who cooks and sleeps in the nude
  • but it’s nice knowing I could have sand in my vagina and he’d still hit that
  • on second thought, that sounds painful.
  • it hurts when he pee pees
  • and some strange stuff comes out of his pee pee
  • he doesn’t understand that you can’t shovel up.

The Verdict?

It’s nothing personal, Niki, because you’ve got a lot of good points, but I just don’t want to have to imprison a man to get him to love me. Word of advice, you should stop nailing chicks with only girl in the world syndrome. But…you can’t read my advice because…she’s…not…letting…you. Oh well. I tried. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Paul Redeker from “World War Z” by Max Brooks

It’s like a mockumentary or something. At least, I think it’s fiction.

About Paul

  • official in South Africa
  • notoriously emotionless
  • but a genius
  • created a plan to save humanity when the zombies took over
  • but it kind of involved using refugees as human bait
  • so that the smart, athletic people could survive
  • went crazy after a hug

His problem?

  • he’s in a mental hospital
  • because his psyche rejected a hug
  • he refers to himself in the third person
  • which is always unattractive.

You wouldn’t be in this mess if you’d listened to Paul Redeker.

Sexxi Points

  • saved the world
  • absolute genius
  • hides his emotions deep deep down
  • Nelson Mandela approved of his plan
  • even if it did involve using human shields

Boner-Killers

  • currently lives in a mental institution
  • obviously has strong opinions regarding which people deserve to live
  • so there’s kind of a class issue there
  • since he doesn’t think everyone is created equal
  • he isn’t very affectionate
  • or loving

The Verdict?

A hug drove him crazy. That means, deep down, he wants to be loved. I CAN CHANGE HIM MOMMY WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE HIM. Rating: FEMALE BONER.