Month: February 2014

Chase from “Crank” by Ellen Hopkins

Meth is like one of those, “I give up on life totally” drugs.

This book is filled with sleazebags, rapists, absent fathers and drug addicts who drive their girlfriends to suicide. It was hard enough to find anyone of value. So here’s Chase, the only real good guy from “Crank.” Let’s see how good he really is.

About Chase

  • takes drugs
  • pimply
  • high school student
  • has somewhat of a future

His problem?

  • He is in love with a girl
  • who is pregnant with another man’s baby
  • and she’s addicted to meth
  • he might be addicted, but probably not
  • jury is out on this one.

From Faces of Meth. These photos were taken 2.5 years apart. TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

Sexxi Points

  • doesn’t want to have sex with a girl who was just raped
  • like, cares about her state of mind
  • sort of
  • is willing to stay with her even though she’s having another man’s baby

Boner-Killers

  • he doesn’t really make Kristina go to the doctor
  • or the cops
  • after the rape
  • I mean he just kind of is like
  • maybe we should wait a week before having sex
  • he also takes meth with her
  • and introduces her to a bunch of other drugs
  • like E.

The Verdict?

He seems like he could potentially be a decent guy, and he probably is, for his age. But he’s a little too passive and a little too destructive, and I’m not seeing a whole lot of stunning qualities. He is willing to stay with his girlfriend through her pregnancy, but the book ends before we can see if he really sticks it out. Rating: Meth is bad. Do not date boys who take meth.

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Aslan from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” by CS Lewis

Wow, someone made a sexy Mr. Tumnus. I may have to do this next. Damn.

I don’t want to hear about how Aslan symbolizes Jesus, or how having sex with animals is wrong. We all know Aslan the Lion is supposed to be a badass rugged dude. And, since he’s sentient and self-aware and all that, I’m going to count him as human, not animal.

About Aslan

  • He’s a lion
  • he’s supposed to rule Narnia
  • but he’s not there for some reason
  • kinda like Simba in The Lion King.

His problem?

  • he’s a savior
  • so he’s doomed to die
  • but he wants to or something

This was actually the tamest sexy fanart I could find. I found this other one where the beast was having sex with Scar, but it was a little much.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s this rugged, self-sacrificing, giant lion
  • who is smart
  • so it’s totally fine to be in love with him
  • hey, you all saw Beauty and the Beast
  • you all know she had sex with a lion
  • so don’t pretend this is weird.
  • he gave up himself to the witch
  • to save Edmund
  • the little boy
  • who was kind of a little shit

Boner-Killers

  • absent
  • lets the witch take control for a while
  • and that prevents Christmas from happening
  • even though like,
  • if Aslan was just there the whole time
  • Christmas would continue on
  • don’t really understand why he was gone for so long
  • letting Narnia go to hell and all.
  • He also makes Peter a knight
  • and he’s a little kid
  • way to use child soldiers, Aslan
  • came back from the dead
  • I’m a little weird about screwing things that were once dead
  • it’s not entirely a deal breaker, though

The Verdict?

It would have been cool and self-sacrificing if Aslan really gave himself up to save Edmund. But really, Aslan knew there was a “deeper magic” or whatever, so he already knew that if the witch killed him in Edmund’s place, that he’d come back.

So it’s like, he didn’t really sacrifice himself, because he knew he would come back to life. So that whole sentimental thing was phony.

Rating: Boner-Killer. Not because he’s a lion, or Jesus, but because he’s a phony at the end of the day.

Faulkner’s Advice For Reading His Novels

Faulkner is a badass, but do you think this mentality holds up given the abundance of content on the Internet today? Do you think people will still wade through tough works, when there are so many attention-grabbing headlines promising instant gratification?

101 Books

I guess this means I need to read The Sound and the Fury three more times to get it.

Crap.

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Hagrid from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling

LEGO HAGRID YES.

I’m not interested in Harry because he’s like, a child for most of the series. That’s a little too creepy. While we all know Harry ends up becoming a grown ass hottie, I can’t in good faith analyze things he did when he was 10.

So who was an adult at the start? Who hasn’t been done to death?

Fuckin’ Hagrid.

About Hagrid:

  • saves Harry from an abusive relationship
  • introduces him to his secret wizard-ing life
  • he’s basically the bouncer of Hogwarts.

His problem?

  • Generally monster-like, misunderstood, coarse and potentially unlovable.

He’s just…a little TOO big.

Sexxi Points

  • I like the whole, saving a kid from an abusive foster home
  • and then giving him lots of money
  • and helping him save the world and stuff
  • and how he can take care of dragons
  • he’s half-human, half-giant
  • and I’m a mixed kid
  • basically the same, right?
  • oh, and he’s always carrying people
  • so that’s nice, he could like
  • save me from a burning building

Boner-Killers

  • bathing?
  • communicating?
  • inside voice maybe?
  • shaving?
  • he cries too much
  • I can’t understand WTF he’s saying.
  • if he’s five times as wide as a normal man…
  • I mean
  • there’s such a thing as “too big.”
  • there’s definitely a sort of
  • I mean
  • haven’t you heard of the law of diminishing returns?

The Verdict?

I think we should just be friends partially because having sex with you would feel like childbirth. Rating: You Can Go Down on Me But That’s It.