Month: April 2013

Dr. Henry Wu from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

Wait, Dr. Wu, I have a chart to show you…hold on…I put it…somewhere…

Everyone knows Ian Malcolm. There’s even fan fiction literotica about him. It was like shooting fish in a barrel, I know, I know.

But there’s a character in the book whose role is severely diminished in the movie, and he’s like, an unsung hero of Jurassic fucking Park. Really unsung, because he uhm MADE ALL THE DINOSAURS.

Without Dr. Wu, the story would have ended with a delusional old man with a mosquito cane.

About Dr. Henry Wu

  • child prodgy
  • studied at MIT
  • chief geneticist at JP
  • Not much of a social life
  • because he spends most of his time uhm making dinosaurs
  • is primarily out to make a name for himself
  • you know, be famous as the dude who cloned dinosaurs
  • which is pretty panty-removeworthy as it is

His problem?

  • When Malcolm says the scientists are more worried about if they COULD
  • than if they SHOULD
  • clone dinosaurs
  • Wu is pretty much the definition of that.
  • He’s focused on his work right up until the end
  • when a raptor jumps on him and eats him.
  • Yes, in the book, he dies

 

Let me put this into scientific terms for you, Dr. Wu: LADY DINOS WANT THE D.

Sexxi Points

  • A genius
  • who clones dinosaurs
  • I mean, do we need to really know anything else?
  • in the book he actually does have the foresight
  • to try to engineer the dinosaurs to be slower
  • but Hammond is like LOL no.
  • But Wu isn’t a moron
  • He just has a moron boss
  • NO KIDS
  • that’s really important, everyone
  • I don’t want no baby mama drama
  • Or ex drama
  • Which Wu seems to have none of since he just is smart and clones dinosaurs.

Boner-Killers

  • No sense of humor
  • I mean, maybe it’s hard to have a sense of humor on raptor fucking island
  • But like, Wu never cracks a smile, man.
  • it’s all dinos, cloning, oh wow they’re breeding, oh crap I’m dead
  • like, when is it going to be about ME?
  • Anyway
  • He lacks a sense of the big picture
  • Like, if Ian Malcolm is all about ethics and big picture
  • Wu is the opposite
  • so focused on the task at hand
  • like tunnel vision focused on the task at hand
  • right until a raptor is eating his ass
  • So like, booksmart, not streetsmart

The Verdict?

I’d hit that, if I could get him away from dinosaurs for more than fifteen minutes. But I get it, he wants to be a famous scientist forever.

Also, don’t tell Ian Malcolm. He might get jealous. Actually, he probably wouldn’t. Wait, why am I worried about the feelings of fictional characters?

The best thing: Wu’s queue is shorter than Malcolm’s. I’m behind Dilophosaurus. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

Advertisements

Ian Malcolm from “Jurassic Park” by Michael Crichton

He’s like a god of common fucking sense.

As a kid, Jurassic Park was more than just my favorite movie — I think at one point it was my legal guardian. The paperwork is fuzzy.

Ian Malcolm’s character in the movie is pretty true to his character in the book. They made some people a lot worse in the film. But let’s take a look, shall we?

About Ian Malcolm

  • famous chaos theory mathematician
  • like, a rock star of math.
  • I’m already sold
  • is brought to Jurassic Park to endorse/not endorse the park
  • wears all black
  • because he can’t be bothered with clothes
  • has multiple kids with multiple women
  • is always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm.

His problem?

  • He’s trapped on raptor fucking island.

Ian was right. The dinosaurs are breeding. BTW there’s like thirty extra raptors hanging around that you didn’t know about nbd.

Sexxi Points

  • ability to predict everything that is going to happen
  • and be snarky and sarcastic
  • even in the face of death
  • …although if I was really being eaten by a t-rex and some dude was like ‘I TOLD YOU SO’
  • I would probably kill him
  • but it works well here.

Boner-Killers

  • the multiple kids, multiple wives thing is a bummer
  • but he’s rich, right?
  • so he probably hasn’t completely abandoned them?
  • Hopefully?
  • In both books, Malcolm’s MO is pretty much
  • ‘get hurt, take morphine, ramble about chaos theory.’
  • he’s way, way more heroic in the movies.
  • Just sayin’.

The Verdict?

I’m definitely in line to be the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm. I’m number 8930. Take a ticket and get behind me. Rating: BIEN SEXXI.

The Boy from “Miss Lora” by Junot Diaz

Her ass isn’t THAT flat, I guess.

Just in case you need directions on how to fuck up a relationship (being a teenage boy who pumps lots of iron seems to have something to do with it) then read “This is How You Lose Her” by Junot Diaz.

Here’s the text from “Miss Lora” if you need to try before you buy.

About Unnamed Teenage Boy, called UTB from here on

  • sixteen years old (like Pi Patel!)
  • brother dead from cancer
  • but the brother was a cheater.
  • like their dad.
  • lives in a generally bad area
  • and he’s not really expected to go to college
  • and do stuff with his life
  • but he lifts lots of weights and tries to be a good boyfriend
  • and get laid.

His problem?

    • he has a girlfriend named Paloma
    • who won’t have sex with him
    • because she’s college-bound and she’s worried that UTB is a muscular anchor
    • who will impregnate her
    • and ruin her life and she’ll be another statistic and all that happy stuff
    • UTB is also obsessed with sci-fi and the apocalypse
    • like the movie “Red Dawn.”
    • and a single older woman in the neighborhood is hitting on him
    • but she has no tits and ass.
    • but she’s kinda interested in his mind and life
    • and not just his dick.

Basically, if you want to lose her, you can cheat on her, ignore her, don’t stick up for her while your brother bangs her, make sure she’s much older than you so things can never get serious, or let her get her teeth knocked out by chick gangs. This is pretty much what I learned from this book.

Sexxi Points

  • Seems to be smart and in generally good shape
  • tries really hard to go down on Paloma
  • but she doesn’t let him…what?
  • she must not really know how pregnancy works
  • I mean, not giving up the pussy, I can understand, but not even oral?
  • I mean, REALLY?
  • This part of the story kind of annoyed me, if you can’t tell
  • Very idealistic
  • and romantic
  • and ultimately he is college bound!
  • and willing to date a bald girl in college

Boner-Killers

  • he seems innocent enough, but he does end up cheating on Paloma with the old lady
  • which I guess I could forgive because he’s sixteen
  • and she’s in her thirties
  • and she’s kinda raping/taking advantage of him
  • and he’s just a horny teenager.
  • but you know, he whines about what a piece of crap his dad and brother were, and goes and does the same thing
  • although I get the feeling he’ll grow out of those issues
  • very premature ejaculation during sex.
  • And he’s obsessed with “Red Dawn.”
  • That counts as two strikes
  • like, more than the whole cheating thing.

The Verdict?

Since Paloma ended their long relationship the moment she went away to college, his infidelity doesn’t seem too bad. He definitely didn’t seem to be stringing Paloma along — UTB was clearly a placeholder for her until she could find the dude she really wanted.

It’s a little sad that he was taken advantage of by the old lady, but you can really see UTB is going to grow up into a great bf. Sorry you were treated like crap, UTB, better luck next time. Call me when you’re 30. Rating: bien sexxi.