redeker plan

Augustus Waters from “The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green.

You’ve probably seen this everywhere. Here it is again.

I have been gone for a while due to grad school and, you know, my own book.

I’ll end my hiatus with this one because everyone on Tumblr is urinating themselves over it.

First of all, let me say that this was a good book, despite having a touch of Precious-pelting syndrome. PPS is when a story just throws one horrible thing after another at a character. PPS is named for the book Precious, for obvious reasons. There comes a point where so many bad things can happen to the people in your book that it stops being dramatic and starts being funny. TFIOS does not have full-blown PPS, but is in the beginning stages of it, like me with diabetes in third grade.

So here goes. Let’s rate Augustus Waters!

About Augustus

  • cancer survivor
  • but not really
  • pretentious name
  • prone to weird outbursts that he thinks are badass
  • but are really just kind of lame and funny

His problem?

  • all the people he cares for have cancer
  • he has cancer and doesn’t know it
  • cancer

 

If you don’t smoke them, it’s okay to buy cigarettes. Instead of like, maybe using that money for cancer treatment.

Sexxi Points

  • supports his best friend
  • who loses both eyes due to cancer
  • helps Hazel find the author of some book
  • because she’s really upset because it doesn’t end
  • he writes part of the end of the book for her
  • he’s sort of sweet when he’s not being Holden Caulfield
  • but he has lots of Holden moments
  • a Holden moment is a white privilege hipster moment
  • but I’ll get to that later.

Boner-Killers

  • he’s really into V for Vendetta
  • like, still.
  • that whole cigarette thing
  • I mean, you know you’re still giving cigarette companies money, right?
  • And they kill millions of people each year?
  • You don’t have to smoke cigarettes to support evil tobacco companies
  • you just have to hand over your money
  • which you do
  • you’re supporting cancer, Augustus
  • more like ‘the fault in our logic.’
  • I really almost stopped reading at that ‘it’s a metaphor’ part
  • for those of you who don’t know, Augustus Waters sucks on unlit cigarettes
  • as a metaphor.
  • yeah it’s dumb.
  • what else
  • well
  • he’s dies
  • so that would impact our relationship
  • and he’s 16.

The Verdict?

Well he dies at the end and he’s underage so, I would be really gross if I hit on this dude. Rating: N/A

Also, can I just say, the whole losing your virginity, having sex once, and then dying thing? Barf. Reeks of puritan bullshit. They should have had a LOT. MORE. SECKS. There should be an accompanying book that’s basically erotica describing all the kinky shit they had to try within the course of their tiny ‘infinity.’ First time sex is not great. It’s just like ow is that it I guess that was okay. You need to have lots and lots of sex with the same person for it to be any good….life spoiler alert.

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Paul Redeker from “World War Z” by Max Brooks

It’s like a mockumentary or something. At least, I think it’s fiction.

About Paul

  • official in South Africa
  • notoriously emotionless
  • but a genius
  • created a plan to save humanity when the zombies took over
  • but it kind of involved using refugees as human bait
  • so that the smart, athletic people could survive
  • went crazy after a hug

His problem?

  • he’s in a mental hospital
  • because his psyche rejected a hug
  • he refers to himself in the third person
  • which is always unattractive.

You wouldn’t be in this mess if you’d listened to Paul Redeker.

Sexxi Points

  • saved the world
  • absolute genius
  • hides his emotions deep deep down
  • Nelson Mandela approved of his plan
  • even if it did involve using human shields

Boner-Killers

  • currently lives in a mental institution
  • obviously has strong opinions regarding which people deserve to live
  • so there’s kind of a class issue there
  • since he doesn’t think everyone is created equal
  • he isn’t very affectionate
  • or loving

The Verdict?

A hug drove him crazy. That means, deep down, he wants to be loved. I CAN CHANGE HIM MOMMY WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE HIM. Rating: FEMALE BONER.