literary characters I would marry

Aslan from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” by CS Lewis

Wow, someone made a sexy Mr. Tumnus. I may have to do this next. Damn.

I don’t want to hear about how Aslan symbolizes Jesus, or how having sex with animals is wrong. We all know Aslan the Lion is supposed to be a badass rugged dude. And, since he’s sentient and self-aware and all that, I’m going to count him as human, not animal.

About Aslan

  • He’s a lion
  • he’s supposed to rule Narnia
  • but he’s not there for some reason
  • kinda like Simba in The Lion King.

His problem?

  • he’s a savior
  • so he’s doomed to die
  • but he wants to or something

This was actually the tamest sexy fanart I could find. I found this other one where the beast was having sex with Scar, but it was a little much.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s this rugged, self-sacrificing, giant lion
  • who is smart
  • so it’s totally fine to be in love with him
  • hey, you all saw Beauty and the Beast
  • you all know she had sex with a lion
  • so don’t pretend this is weird.
  • he gave up himself to the witch
  • to save Edmund
  • the little boy
  • who was kind of a little shit

Boner-Killers

  • absent
  • lets the witch take control for a while
  • and that prevents Christmas from happening
  • even though like,
  • if Aslan was just there the whole time
  • Christmas would continue on
  • don’t really understand why he was gone for so long
  • letting Narnia go to hell and all.
  • He also makes Peter a knight
  • and he’s a little kid
  • way to use child soldiers, Aslan
  • came back from the dead
  • I’m a little weird about screwing things that were once dead
  • it’s not entirely a deal breaker, though

The Verdict?

It would have been cool and self-sacrificing if Aslan really gave himself up to save Edmund. But really, Aslan knew there was a “deeper magic” or whatever, so he already knew that if the witch killed him in Edmund’s place, that he’d come back.

So it’s like, he didn’t really sacrifice himself, because he knew he would come back to life. So that whole sentimental thing was phony.

Rating: Boner-Killer. Not because he’s a lion, or Jesus, but because he’s a phony at the end of the day.

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Frankenstein’s MONSTER from “Frankenstein’s Bitch” by K.J. Burkhardt.

Thank God this book costs less than a dollar.

I know I’m fighting a losing battle, but people:

FRANKENSTEIN WAS THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR WHO MADE THE MONSTER.

THE MONSTER IS CALLED ‘FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER.’

Oh and on the cover, they actually spelled ‘Frankenstein’ incorrectly. Der.

Obviously, I didn’t spend 99 cents on ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch’ expecting a new literary classic, and I was right. This author is in dire need of an editor. But anyway, here we go.

About Frankenstein’s Monster

  • 7-inch flaccid penis
  • unknown full size
  • seems confused during sex?
  • composed of dead body parts

His problem?

  • Needs to get laid?

It’s supposed to be Frankenstein’s MONS—Oh, forget it.

Sexxi Points

  • He just kind of is asleep
  • and then has sex with you
  • he doesn’t talk
  • that’s the best part
  • he’s like a real-life vibrator

Boner-Killers

  • he’s dead
  • doesn’t take you to dinner
  • the female he’s screwing keeps noticing how “sad” he is
  • I dunno, wouldn’t that be a turn off?
  • If the hot dead dude you’re boning is constantly
  • showing his emotional pain?
  • This wasn’t much of a fantasy for me.

The Verdict?

Uhhh don’t fuck dead dudes, guys. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

If you wanna read about real life sex and marriage, visit my girl here.

Baptiste from “Failure to Pay” by Lisa Martens

This is me. I write stuff.

This is me. I write stuff.

So, I’m all about shameless self-promotion. I’ll be reviewing a character in . . . that’s right . . . my own story.

About Baptiste

  • rich dude
  • married
  • owns a ranch
  • likes wearing blue and yellow
  • sort of immortal
  • not really
  • in debt but hiding it.

His problem?

  • He’s about to lose the chip that makes him immortal
  • because he can’t pay for it
  • and he’s already in debt.
  • but hey, who doesn’t have debt for stupid reasons?
  • cough student loans cough.

Sexxi Points

  • Kind of classy
  • he matches his outfit with his wife’s hair
  • and possibly with the time of day he’s going to lose his immortality
  • refused to sell his land to pay for his immortality
  • because he wants to make sure his family has land
  • because in this dystopian world, if you’re poor, you live in shitty balloons
  • in the sky
  • and he doesn’t want that.

Boner-Killers

  • cares too much about what people think
  • and saving face
  • and throwing big parties
  • that’s really annoying to me
  • it kind of counts as five things.
  • Makes a slightly sexist comment
  • to the bounty hunter who comes to get his immortality chip.
  • rude, sir.

The Verdict?

Jury is still out on this one. I can relate to having lots of debt that LOL I just have no way of paying off. I can also relate to being rude to people who harass me to collect money from me (like an unnamed Internet provider who couldn’t provide me Internet but billed me for three months for a service I never used). I might give you a chance later on. Rating: POTENTIAL PANTY-SNATCHER.

Don’t forget to read the series. Reblog if you like. Follow on Twitter @failuretopay.