collateral damage

Aslan from “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” by CS Lewis

Wow, someone made a sexy Mr. Tumnus. I may have to do this next. Damn.

I don’t want to hear about how Aslan symbolizes Jesus, or how having sex with animals is wrong. We all know Aslan the Lion is supposed to be a badass rugged dude. And, since he’s sentient and self-aware and all that, I’m going to count him as human, not animal.

About Aslan

  • He’s a lion
  • he’s supposed to rule Narnia
  • but he’s not there for some reason
  • kinda like Simba in The Lion King.

His problem?

  • he’s a savior
  • so he’s doomed to die
  • but he wants to or something

This was actually the tamest sexy fanart I could find. I found this other one where the beast was having sex with Scar, but it was a little much.

Sexxi Points

  • he’s this rugged, self-sacrificing, giant lion
  • who is smart
  • so it’s totally fine to be in love with him
  • hey, you all saw Beauty and the Beast
  • you all know she had sex with a lion
  • so don’t pretend this is weird.
  • he gave up himself to the witch
  • to save Edmund
  • the little boy
  • who was kind of a little shit

Boner-Killers

  • absent
  • lets the witch take control for a while
  • and that prevents Christmas from happening
  • even though like,
  • if Aslan was just there the whole time
  • Christmas would continue on
  • don’t really understand why he was gone for so long
  • letting Narnia go to hell and all.
  • He also makes Peter a knight
  • and he’s a little kid
  • way to use child soldiers, Aslan
  • came back from the dead
  • I’m a little weird about screwing things that were once dead
  • it’s not entirely a deal breaker, though

The Verdict?

It would have been cool and self-sacrificing if Aslan really gave himself up to save Edmund. But really, Aslan knew there was a “deeper magic” or whatever, so he already knew that if the witch killed him in Edmund’s place, that he’d come back.

So it’s like, he didn’t really sacrifice himself, because he knew he would come back to life. So that whole sentimental thing was phony.

Rating: Boner-Killer. Not because he’s a lion, or Jesus, but because he’s a phony at the end of the day.

Paul Redeker from “World War Z” by Max Brooks

It’s like a mockumentary or something. At least, I think it’s fiction.

About Paul

  • official in South Africa
  • notoriously emotionless
  • but a genius
  • created a plan to save humanity when the zombies took over
  • but it kind of involved using refugees as human bait
  • so that the smart, athletic people could survive
  • went crazy after a hug

His problem?

  • he’s in a mental hospital
  • because his psyche rejected a hug
  • he refers to himself in the third person
  • which is always unattractive.

You wouldn’t be in this mess if you’d listened to Paul Redeker.

Sexxi Points

  • saved the world
  • absolute genius
  • hides his emotions deep deep down
  • Nelson Mandela approved of his plan
  • even if it did involve using human shields

Boner-Killers

  • currently lives in a mental institution
  • obviously has strong opinions regarding which people deserve to live
  • so there’s kind of a class issue there
  • since he doesn’t think everyone is created equal
  • he isn’t very affectionate
  • or loving

The Verdict?

A hug drove him crazy. That means, deep down, he wants to be loved. I CAN CHANGE HIM MOMMY WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE HIM. Rating: FEMALE BONER.