Hermione should have ditched both of those dudes, to be honest. I mean, Harry kept bossing her around and putting her in mortal danger, and you just know Ron was having awkward boners all the time.
So you have read my reviews. Or you’re about to. A few things might cross your mind about me:
- feminist bitch
- reads a lot
- reads too much
- appears to be more concerned with reading than making sandwiches for men
All of these things would be true.
But I am critical of myself and my process, so I wanted to examine what goes through my mind as I rate dudes:
- I’m sort of lenient on male characters who cheat
- as long as they make up for it in other ways
- however, IRL, my cheating standards are much higher
- which is interesting. I have a double standard here.
- Probably because reading books is sort of like engaging in a fantasy.
- I do not usually forgive incest
- But I will forgive something like murder
- if it was justified
- because I sort of like carnal impulses in my literary dudes.
So what makes a good sexy character?
- His own code of morality
- understanding and empathy
- motivation counts a lot
- doesn’t have to be intelligent
- I mean, you can be dumb and still hot
- funny preferred, not necessary.
- I must be able to imagine you pulling me out of a burning building.
- Or, better yet, there can be a scene of you pulling me out of a burning building
- a hurt soul is preferred
- but not a whining one
- give me someone in secret pain
- I like a fixer-upper.
Do you have someone you want me to rate? Let me know. I’ll consider it. Well, reasonably speaking. I don’t want to do another Frankenstein’s Bitch.
You may have already known this, but your English teacher is full of shit. All that symbolism they have you chasing just isn’t there.
You always wondered if your college lit professor was just making crap up.
Turns out, maybe they were.
This article from The Paris Review offers a revealing take by many famous authors on how much symbolism played a part in their work.
Their comments were prompted by a letter from a 16-year-old Bruce McCallister in 1963. He was tired of the constant find-the-symbolism game in English class, so he took it upon himself to ask them what the big deal was with symbolism.
He mailed a simple four-question survey to more than 150 novelists. About half of them responded. The responses were varied, but most of the authors seemed to think symbolism is overanalyzed. Their comments were awesome:
The survey included the following questions:
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I’m talking about Victor Frankenstein, the doctor who made the monster, not the monster himself.
If you’re confused about what I mean by this, just go back to reblogging ironic lists on Tumblr kthanks.
- collects a bunch of dead body parts
- makes a dude
- abandons it because he thinks it’s gross
- the monster made of dead parts starts stalking him
- kind of like that guy I went on one date with who asked me to marry him
- actually, nothing like that.
- likes to travel
- but most of that is fleeing/collecting corpses
- he’s been in jail
- for murder
- I mean, he didn’t COMMIT the murder
- but that’s going to affect his chances at teaching in a university
- he’s not a good listener
- the monster he made just wants to get laid
- and he’s really mean
- oh, he kinda married his sister
- they didn’t have sex because then she was murdered
- but still, married his sister.
- people around him are constantly being killed by the monster he created
- and he’s really bad at protecting his loved ones
- he just keeps having mental breakdowns
- that part is really annoying.
Now you know the difference between Frankenstein and Frankenstein’s monster. Oh yeah, Rating: NO. DO NOT BANG.
He’s been touching lots of dead bodies. You don’t want embalming fluid in your snatch. I mean, I don’t know exactly what that would do, but it can’t be good.
I’ve started writing my own series, and my friends are doing the artwork. They’re awesome. They don’t even make me have sex with them. I do that willingly.
Reasons You Should Read My Series Failure to Pay:
- hot female protagonist
- who is a bounty hunter
- who repossesses immortality
- hot dudes who like
- climb towers and throw big parties
- a debauched, futuristic city
- where anything goes
- renegades, Aztec mythology, the Texan sun
- California is an island now
Odysseus is epic. Brave warrior, intelligent, and spends years fighting demons and gods to get home to his wife. I’ll even overlook the “courting” of other women while you were away, simply because you kicked so much ass. But you’re getting tested first. I don’t wanna catch, I dunno, whatever STD Medusa has. Rating: EPIC POEM SEXXI.
Even good books suck. I love the optimism.
As part of my occasional and hopefully instructive series of entries in which I try to make the point to writers that negative reviews are part of the territory and ultimately not something to get too worked up about or to let scar one’s psyche, I would like to present you excerpts of one star Amazon reviews of every single Hugo-winning novel of the last ten years (of which there are eleven, due to a tie in 2010). I would note that while I quote only one for each novel, in every case, there was more than one to choose from.
In chronological order:
2004:Paladin of Souls, Lois McMaster Bujold:
I hate it when I see an awesome author seem to get worse as they move on and write other series. I pushed through the first one, and did finish this one, but had to complain about the writing…
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