The Boy from “Miss Lora” by Junot Diaz

Her ass isn’t THAT flat, I guess.

Just in case you need directions on how to fuck up a relationship (being a teenage boy who pumps lots of iron seems to have something to do with it) then read “This is How You Lose Her” by Junot Diaz.

Here’s the text from “Miss Lora” if you need to try before you buy.

About Unnamed Teenage Boy, called UTB from here on

  • sixteen years old (like Pi Patel!)
  • brother dead from cancer
  • but the brother was a cheater.
  • like their dad.
  • lives in a generally bad area
  • and he’s not really expected to go to college
  • and do stuff with his life
  • but he lifts lots of weights and tries to be a good boyfriend
  • and get laid.

His problem?

    • he has a girlfriend named Paloma
    • who won’t have sex with him
    • because she’s college-bound and she’s worried that UTB is a muscular anchor
    • who will impregnate her
    • and ruin her life and she’ll be another statistic and all that happy stuff
    • UTB is also obsessed with sci-fi and the apocalypse
    • like the movie “Red Dawn.”
    • and a single older woman in the neighborhood is hitting on him
    • but she has no tits and ass.
    • but she’s kinda interested in his mind and life
    • and not just his dick.

Basically, if you want to lose her, you can cheat on her, ignore her, don’t stick up for her while your brother bangs her, make sure she’s much older than you so things can never get serious, or let her get her teeth knocked out by chick gangs. This is pretty much what I learned from this book.

Sexxi Points

  • Seems to be smart and in generally good shape
  • tries really hard to go down on Paloma
  • but she doesn’t let him…what?
  • she must not really know how pregnancy works
  • I mean, not giving up the pussy, I can understand, but not even oral?
  • I mean, REALLY?
  • This part of the story kind of annoyed me, if you can’t tell
  • Very idealistic
  • and romantic
  • and ultimately he is college bound!
  • and willing to date a bald girl in college

Boner-Killers

  • he seems innocent enough, but he does end up cheating on Paloma with the old lady
  • which I guess I could forgive because he’s sixteen
  • and she’s in her thirties
  • and she’s kinda raping/taking advantage of him
  • and he’s just a horny teenager.
  • but you know, he whines about what a piece of crap his dad and brother were, and goes and does the same thing
  • although I get the feeling he’ll grow out of those issues
  • very premature ejaculation during sex.
  • And he’s obsessed with “Red Dawn.”
  • That counts as two strikes
  • like, more than the whole cheating thing.

The Verdict?

Since Paloma ended their long relationship the moment she went away to college, his infidelity doesn’t seem too bad. He definitely didn’t seem to be stringing Paloma along — UTB was clearly a placeholder for her until she could find the dude she really wanted.

It’s a little sad that he was taken advantage of by the old lady, but you can really see UTB is going to grow up into a great bf. Sorry you were treated like crap, UTB, better luck next time. Call me when you’re 30. Rating: bien sexxi.

 

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