Holden Caulfield from “The Catcher in the Rye” by J.D. Salinger

I was into saying ‘I was into that before it was cool’ before it was cool.

If you’re here because you’re in some Honors English class or you think you’re a genius deep middle schooler, I’m probably going to disappoint you. Holden sucks and here’s why.

About Holden Caulfield

  • keeps getting kicked out of school
  • rich-ass parents
  • white
  • like not just in skin tone, but in general hipsterness
  • like he probably graduated from NYU and moved to Brooklyn afterwards
  • and opened an antique bicycle repair store.

His problem?

  • kicked out of school
  • general vagabond-ry
  • hates all institutions
  • obsessed with this chick he made out with like, once
  • can’t hold a train of thought
  • he’s probably in a mental hospital?
  • a mental hospital he can afford because his parents pay for everything.

I roll my own cigs and this jacket is vintage and so is my underwear and I only paid three bucks and when my dad dies I’m going to take the money I get from my trust fund and go to Alaska and write a travel blog about it.

Sexxi Points

  • when I was 12, I probably would have said how deep and rebellious he was
  • but now I am wiser and I realize he’s a whining white boy who has had everything paid for him
  • which is particularly annoying because Sallie Mae now owns my first-born son
  • so it’s hard to feel sympathy for this jackass
  • but I digress.

Boner-Killers

  • no future
  • whining whining whining
  • misplaces fencing equipment on the NYC subway
  • like really, how do you do that?
  • Can’t fuck a prostitute
  • Can’t fight a pimp
  • Can’t fight.
  • lies.
  • this character spawned the hipster revolution, I’m sure. Do nothing, pay for nothing, complain about it.
  • He probably cries after sex. Unconfirmed, but all signs point to Yes.

The Verdict?

I think this has been scathingly clear. Rating: BONER-KILLER.

Learn more about why I hate Holden (added bonus of learning about my high school years in Plano, Texas, and other information you may not care about).

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3 comments

  1. Man, my ex-girlfriend loves Holden, and I can’t figure out why. She’s like, 24 now, and still thinks he’s so mature and intelligent and sexy, and I have no idea why.

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